A Deposition Taken From the Tree of Life After the Fall of Mankind in the Persons of Adam and Eve

“‘You reap what you sow’. We have all heard that one. Or ‘what goes around comes around.’ What about ‘right back atcha?’ Make no mistake, if you say ‘right back at you’, the meaning is not the same. ‘Right back atcha.’ That’s the only way it makes sense anyhow. At least in the way I’m thinking about it.

“You see, the Almighty was getting a little peevish about the angel rebellion rumors. He was not sleeping well, and when He was awake, He was not necessarily thinking straight. So it happened that in the matter of the creation of mankind, He forgot to keep His eye on the ball – so to speak. Distraction and peevishness will get you every time.

“You see, the Almighty got to thinking that creation using the best materials does not necessarily yield the best product – those uppity angels being a case in point. He could not understand how such lovely creatures – all silver, gold, airiness, filigree, and light -- could have become filled up with so much psychological, philosophical, political crap. One day when He was in a shouting mood, He thundered, “Those idiot prima donnas. Well dag nabbit! I created them! They’re lucky! Instead of angels, they could be birthday balloons snagged on a power line.”

That was the mood He was in when He began to think about trying again.

“From the beginning, I knew of His plans because He talked to Himself. A lot of that talking was done on a tough little mat of Dichondra right at the base of my trunk. Sometimes He would even address me. ‘You know Tree of Life, I like it here better than on my throne where I can’t even enjoy faint praise for all the loud carping and plotting of those malevolent malcontents. My heart starts to warm to the faithful’s “Gloria”, and the next thing you know my perfect hearing is picking up:

‘Why do we have to worship Him? Who does He think He is?’ “I am who am.” Now that is just a bullshit anagram if I ever heard one. Figure out the anagram and this place is ours.’

The Almighty shook both His fists. ‘Why don’t those prancing pictures just move out? Make their own angel heaven if they’re so doggone smart!’

“It was on an afternoon when He had fallen asleep with His head on my trunk , that He came suddenly awake and said that maybe I would enjoy some company, and just like that He created a garden. Eden He called it. It was lush, I tell you. The Almighty confessed that this was just a setting. He said He was going to create Man to live in the garden, but this time, He was not going to make the mistake of using the best materials.

“He thought deeply about what He would use and at length discussed with Himself His options. He considered clay, but decided that clay was too slippery and left too much room for Man to bend himself out of shape. Loam was tempting, but then Man might get full of himself. Sludge would make a mess of the Almighty’s raiment. Sediment sounded appropriately humbling, but when He checked His Webster, it was too lofty an image. In the end the Almighty settled on dirt. He announced it to me with a question. ‘How stuck up and self-important could Man become if he is made from dirt?’ Actually that was the root of the problem. Because as soon as the first man, Adam, came into being, the Almighty lent him His Webster so as to nip in the bud the possibility of false pride. What the Almighty had not considered was the unintended consequence – Adam’s low self-esteem. Adam was primed to be led into sin.

“Webster was just the first blow. Removing Adam’s rib to make Eve was the second. For one thing, Adam from the beginning was a bit tongue tied because he was in complete awe of the Almighty and did not want to sound like a fool. Eve, on the other hand, came to life talking. On the day of her creation, Adam had not quite awakened from his deep surgical sleep, but he could hear her already expressing an opinion. ‘You don’t think, Sir, that the pond would have been better situated at the base of the hill?’ At least she had the good sense to call the Almighty “Sir”. It seemed to me that the Almighty took Eve’s comments in stride. On the other hand, He began showing up for His and Adam’s walks when Eve was napping, regardless of when she fell asleep.

“I think to compensate for his low self-esteem, Adam had developed a chanticleer tendency. The Webster definition of his origins had faded into his subconscious and in the days before Eve’s creation, he pranced like a rooster. But one day Eve, with Adam’s head in her lap, was feeding him grapes and happened to mention that she felt it was rather a better thing to be made of bone than of dirt. Adam choked on a grape but bravely resisted suffocation until Eve noticed he was turning blue, flipped him on his side and gave him a latitudinal Heimlich.

“And there you have it. When Eve came for my fruit, I wiggled every which way in an effort to warn her . . . give her time to think about what she was doing. I wanted to protect them. To save them. But I am only a tree. She was made of bone after all. And Adam. Well, Eve had re-established for him the original and true premise of his origin. He was dirt. According to Webster, dirt was any foul or filthy substance such as mud or grime. Anything else would have to be an improvement. So Eve complacently took her bite. Adam hopefully took his bite. The rest is history. God bless them.”

Copyright January 23, 2020.