Hāsus the Body Building, Martial Arts, Wood Working Savior

“Hāsus, my man!”

“Jolly Jude! What’s up?”

“Another squabble over at the Mandere Inn. The boys set up drinks for everybody then ran out of money. They want you to come over and save them.”

“Dad told me I could stop doing that shit. The dudes are sucking me dry.”

“Bloodsuckers. Good call. If you keep showing up to bail them out, they’ll never learn. Hey, did you work out this morning? You look like you’re still pumped.”

“Yeah. Magda and I. Damn! Maybe I better run over there and see what's going on. Those jerks kind of depend on it. But you know I feel like they’re taking advantage. They get themselves into a jam but don’t want to take their lumps. Just wave their hands around and shriek for salvation.”

“You're most definitely their get-out-of-jail card. They’re lazy."

“Come on Jude. Let's go and get it over with. I could use a drink. If I don’t show up, the shit’s watered down weak.”

(The sound of feet running over . . . the road.)

(Whispering) “Here he comes. Good old Save-the-Day Hāsus. We told you, Innkeeper. Keep your sandals on. Hāsus is coming to save the day. He’ll pay what we owe you.”

“Will he now? You sure about that?”

“Yeah. Yeah. He’s a caretaker. It’s in his blood.”

“You miscreants need to stop whispering over there and come say hello to the one who brought you all out of the Deep Heat.”

“Whoa! Hāsus! Look at you. All beefed up. You got a neck like a bull. And those arms. Shit!”

“Don’t stand too close to him, Jude. If he bumps into you, you might fall on your skinny ass.”

“How’d you get so big so fast? It’s like a miracle.”

“Well, fellas, you should know how it goes. Que sera sera. By the way, I’m cutting you off. Anything more than what you have in those cups in front of you is on you. In other words, pay your own debts.”

“What? Come on, Hāsus! When did that start?”

“Now. It starts now. You’re taking too much for granted. Living it up on my pain and suffering.”

“So, Innkeeper, how much do they owe you?”

“Plenty. They’ve been chugging it down all morning. When I ask them to pay up, they say ‘Hāsus will take care of it.’ ”

“They actually say that? You miscreants actually say that?”

“Indeed. They believe that all they have to do is call out your name and you’ll come running. And . . . to be fair . . . you usually do.”

“I know, Innkeeper, but this is getting out of hand. And they’re not the only ones taking advantage. By the way, do you have any weddings coming up?”

“Martha and Laz are getting married next month.”

“Because I don’t have any cash. Can I square these bloodsuckers’ debts with a little product improvement? That will help you out with the wedding.”

“Absolutely, Hāsus. You know where the wine skins are. Just work your magic, my friend. Bring one out for yourself to take home with you.”

“Thanks. Don't worry. I'll replace it. After I leave, don’t serve them anymore. If the rats get rowdy, call the heat to kick them out.”

(The sound of feet running over . . . the road.)

“Hāsus. I think you made some enemies back at the Mandere. The heat? You should have seen their faces when you said that. They were scared. And pissed! You better watch your back. Bloodsuckers need their blood.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jude. I can take care of myself. Been training with a new sensei. Master Sheefoo. What say we have a go at my most recent libation improvement. Make sure I didn’t screw the Innkeeper with something no one wants to drink.”

“Sounds good. Say, Hāsus, Why is Magda working out with you? What’s that about? She trying to build muscle? Don't tell me she's working out with the sensei too."

“Yep. Here. Drink up. Tell me what you think.”

“Wonderfully antifogmatic. And . . . one swallow has miraculously improved my vision. I can now clearly see that pomegranate tree over there. And . . . yum. Now what about Magda?”

“Since Magda gave up her old life, she’s being taunted by former customers. She’s feeling vulnerable and I’m not always around.”

“Yikes! Hey! A bunch of guards heading this way. Wonder what they want?”

(The sound of feet running over . . . the road.)

“Which one of you is Hāsus?”

“I am. This is my friend Jude. How can we help you?”

“Hāsus, you can come with us. You’re under arrest."

"For what?"

"Beverage adulteration."

“The bonehead guards are using some very very big words, Hāsus. Who would have thought that was even possible?”

“I’m pretty sure they can’t prove a thing, Jude. Can you fellas? I mean what was this beverage before and what is it now? What are you even talking about?”

“Some of the faithful at Mandere turned you in. Said you do it a lot. Said they suspected you might be poisoning people. Said they thought you might have poisoned them. Said they were feeling a bit queasy. Said you also pilfered.”

"Oh, man, Hāsus. Another . . . very . . . big . . . word."

“Did you talk to Pete the innkeeper? He’ll stick up for me.”

“Pete said that if there is something going on with the wine, he has no knowledge of it. Said he barely knows you. So, just come along. There are some people who want to talk to you.”

“I have to tell you. I am going nowhere, no time . . . with you. I have already made that one required trip through the shit and I am done. You can put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

“Either come peacefully or we’ll make you come. Grab him, Moloch!”

“Did you put your hands on me?”

Thump! Whop! Slap! Gouge! Boom! Bang! Pop! Crash! Bang! Wham! Smack! Whop! Whup! Thump! Bump! Stomp! POW! Kick! Twist! Trip! Crash! Toss!

(The sound of feet running over . . . the road.)

"Whoopee! Whopper! Whoa! Hāsus! Master Sheefoo taught you good! That's what I call club dancing."

"I knew this new cudgel would come in handy. Olive wood. If you're good to it, it will be good to you. Worked on it all last week. Shit! Now there's blood on it."

“Hāsus . . . that was beautiful man. Beautiful. I have tears in my eyes. My God I'm crying! Look at them take off. They don’t know what hit ‘em. Ahhh . . . my God.”

“I’m pretty sick of them. Really. After all I went through for them, the only thing they understand is a good ass-whipping.”

“Hāsus . . . I think that’s pronounced ‘ass-whoopin’."

“Amen to that.”